Wearing What Matters

New purchases, wrinkled pants and finding your style north star

It has been raining nonstop in Sydney. Not the gentle pitter-patter on the rooftops kind of rain, more like the ‘holy shit my house is about to flood any minute’ kind. On days like these, it’s hard to muster up the care or the energy to put together an outfit. I have been fantasising about clearer skies and playing with some looks for spring, with a preloved Dries Van Noten skirt I purchased from Ebay and new belt from Tibi :

I’ve also been inspired by the recent Tibi resort collection, most notably this:

The brown and white feels like a fresh alternative to my go-to black and white.

I’m reframing my wrinkled jeans as ‘intentional’ after seeing Phoebe Philo’s new collection:

My jeans are from a Korean website, Musinsa. The ‘tuck’ jeans from Tibi have been on my wishlist for ages but I can’t swallow the price. Not to be defeated, I went on the hunt to find a pair that had similar measurments to the tucks. Musinsa has a really detailed size guide and specific measurements for each piece, so I was confident that this pair would work.

From Wrinkled Jeans to Something Deeper

After spending so much time hibernating inside on my own, I’ve become less interested in how to find my personal style, and more interested in why I should bother finding it in the first place.

I believe the answer lies in our values.

I imagine you might be rolling your eyes at this point. It’s why I’ve been apprehensive about writing about this, as the concept of values tends be a bit fluffy... a little saccharine. At the other extreme, it can come off as moralistic. I think this is the reason why up until recently, I’d never really gone about clarifying my values. Sure, I knew what mattered to me, like kindness and spending quality time with loved ones. But it never went deeper than that.

That is, until I came across the work of Dr Russ Harris, a renowned trainer in Acceptance and Commitment therapy and author of the Happiness Trap. Harris defines values as ‘desired qualities of ongoing action’. These are the qualities that inform how you want to show up in the world and in relation to others. They are different to our goals, which are more about what we want to achieve or complete.

An example that Harris often uses is the distinction between the goal of “finding a partner” versus the values of intimacy and connection. While there are no guarantees of finding a partner, the values of intimacy and connection can nonetheless be practised day-to-day.

So much of the language around personal style is goal-oriented, as if it’s a mountain to conquer. But when we start to view our personal style through the lens of our values, it becomes an evolving conversation and way of staying true to ourselves.

Say you have the goal of finding your personal style. What are the underlying values driving this goal? If your values are about connection, maybe your outfits are a way of seeking out like-minded people and opening the doors of conversation. Or perhaps you value courage, so you wear clothes that push you outside your comfort zone. Or if you value respect, it could be about making the effort to dress well as a signal of your care and appreciation of others.

Getting clear on your values is also one of the best buffers against self-doubt and the tyranny of our thoughts. This can be illustrated through one of my favourite exercises in acceptance and commitment therapy, called the choice point.

The Choice Point

Every action we take either moves us towards or away from living a life aligned with our values.

These are called towards or away moves.

Let’s say you’re meeting friends for dinner and you decide to try out something new, like wearing red socks and sandals. It feels daring and exciting. But then the automatic thoughts start popping up - “what if it’s too much?”, or “people will think I look ridiculous”.

We can easily get hooked and derailed by thoughts like these - In fact, as Harris explains, so many psychological disorders, like anxiety and depression, are the result of becoming fused with our automatic thoughts and choosing away moves.

When we start to have these thoughts, we have a choice. Do we listen to our thoughts and make an away move by wearing something ‘safer’? Or do we make a towards move by feeling the fear and wearing the damn socks anyway?

Towards moves are not easy to take when we are facing an onslaught of negative thoughts, but they are much more bearable when we have a clear sense of what we stand for. If, for instance, you value courage and creativity, wearing something outside your comfort zone becomes an important part of living a rich and meaningful life.

Values In Action

Some of my values are authenticity, curiosity and equality, and they show up in the way I dress. Authenticity is more of an intuitive thing, and whether I feel like myself in my outfit. Sometimes I’ll get dressed using my three style words but something feels off - it’s as though the outfit and I are two separate entities. Other times, I’ll land on an outfit that feels like a second skin. There’s a sense of assuredness and self-possession - that’s when I know it feels authentic to me.

Curiosity shows up as the desire to try new things and be inspired by stylish people I admire. It’s about being open-minded to a range of style POVs, even if they differ from my own.

Left to right: Mandy Lee; Davina; Alina-Mariia Hodz; Nattob; Tuba

Equality is especially relevant for how I dress as a psychologist. I want to convey to my clients that we are on equal footing. This means I dress in a way that is relatable - nothing too flashy or anything that screams ‘status’.

Value Words and Style Words

I don’t claim these are new concepts. Allison Bornstein created the ‘three word method’. Rachel from Hey, Mrs Solomon writes about the concept of embodiment through a term she created called ‘lofted settledness’. And Asta has written an excellent guide to finding your personal style, and developing a clear sense of how you want to show up in the world.

After learning from these and many other stylish individuals, here is how I piece it together: My style words (soft, polished, and unexpected) are the nuts and bolts of getting dressed, and the guardrails to ensure I shop thoughtfully and create outfits with intention. My value words (authenticity, curiosity and equality) provide a zoomed out lens to ensure my outfits are embodied and aligned with who I am.

Behold, my sophisticated graphic:

Anatomy of An Outfit

I’ll leave you with some examples of how I put this all together, using some recent example of work outfits. My value of authenticity is a given as I felt comfortable and myself in each of these outfits.

Style Words

Soft: Colours, cardigan

Polished: Tailored trousers

Unexpected: Belt and bag

Value Words

Curiosity: Trying out a new-to-me zebra print

Equality: Soothing colours, simple ballet flats

Style Words

Soft: cosy knit sweater

Polished: Blazer, croc flats

Unexpected: Asymmetric detail on skirt

Value Words

Curiosity: Asymmetric detail on skirt

Equality: Simple colour palette, relaxed knit

Style Words:

Soft: Pleated skirt, wool sweater

Polished: Pointed boots, shirt

Unexpected: Yellow earrings

Value Words:

Curiosity: Experimenting with different colour combinations

Equality: Keeping it less formal by untucking the shirt

Style Words

Soft: Drapey trousers and blouse

Polished: Croc bag

Unexpected: Aqua sweater tied around waist

Value Words

Curiosity: Experimenting with different silhouette by tying sweater around waist

Equality: Soothing colours, drapey trousers

As I finish writing this, the sun has finally come out! I celebrated by taking my dog for a long-awaited walk.

This was a long one. If you have made it this far, thank you for reading!!

I’d love to hear about your values and how they are translated in the clothes you wear.

x Pip